Your mother used to be an important bureaucrat. She didn't want you to know, because she thought you would think less of her.

Hello. I know it's been a while since we posted, but that was just because we thought the world wasn't ready for material as brilliant as ours. Now it's a new world. Great Britain has a new prime minister. Benazir Bhutto, always a major impediment to our writing, is now dead. Queen Elizabeth has beaten Queen Victoria for the title of England's oldest monarch. And, finally, the straw that broke the camel's back: Maine has selected its nominees for US President. So we're back.

And we're coming back with a vengeance. In what may become a recurring series for us, this first post of the new era will be dedicated to this important question: Who is hotter? This week's contenders: Madeleine Albright and Jean Reno.

What's that? Are you trying to tell me that Janet Reno would be a more apt opponent for Ms. Albright? Why? Sure, both Ms. Reno and Ms. Albright were Clinton appointees. Sure both were the first women in their positions. Sure, both are unmarried and thus ripe for the taking. Sure, they are both of the same gender and, roughly, age. But there would be no contest. Everyone knows Janet Reno is a sex goddess. She has it all: the figure of a woman half her age, a great singing voice, and a sassy wit that would have made Barbara Stanwyck look like J.R.R. Tolkein. I would not only do her, I'd marry her and let her keep her last name. We would pass her name on to the children. Five of them. Named after the Three Stooges. A man can dream.

No, Jean Reno is a far more fitting opponent for Ms. Albright. Similar square, meaty shoulders; similar birdlike mouths; similar high, nonchalant hairlines. Moroccan-born Reno fixes you in those set, beady, determined eyes and you know you're in for an ass-kicking. Ditto for Czech-born diplomat Albright and then some. The French action star has appeared alongside the likes of Steve Martin, Tom Hanks and Rob De Niro. The US diplomat has rubbed shoulders with Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Michael Dukakis. For every fist to the face Mr. Reno administers, Ms. Albright punches right where it hurts--the breadbasket with economic sanctions.

The tie-breaker: only Ms. Albright has appeared as a sex object on Matt Groening's Futurama. When you're so on the fence about something like this, you need to turn to the only people who truly understand sexuality: cartoonists. So thanks to you, Mr. Groening. Our winner is Madeleine Albright. Next week: Mr. Rogers vs. Pope John Paul II.