Your mother is a man. No, it's not funny. The sooner you accept that, the better.

So, you might have guessed this will be a "Who is hotter?" blog. This was going to be between Jessica Alba and Jaye Davidson (promise me you won't look it up until you reach the end of this paragraph at least). Then I saw the end of The Crying Game. The shock made my genitals fall off and now I am seriously considering giving up movies. That didn't really happen. I've never seen The Crying Game. Probably because my dad spoiled the ending. But I won't. You should see it and tell me how you felt. It's a stuffy, arty sensation I will never be able to experience. Woe is me... (so please don't look it up. It will spoil it).

So instead, this one will be about Liam Neeson and Alfred Kinsey. I recently saw Kinsey and it was one of the worst films I have ever seen. But aren't the Hollywood actors who play in biopics always much sexier than the people they play? Yes. And this is no exception. There is only one exception--Anthony Hopkins in the film Nixon. Am I the only one who cannot think of dour, balding crooks opening relations with China without having a spontaneous, highly embarrassing orgasm in public?

It was November. The wind was blowing just so. We were having a lesson in my tenth grade history class about the Vietnam war, when my teacher began to say, "you know, Nixon was not that bad a president." Suddenly, I felt all the elastic in my body turn to instantly hot coal with a loud snap. I was at rapt attention. He put on a video of Nixon delivering the "Checkers Speech." The blubbery moon of his face rotated ever so slightly and caused a massive tidal undulation that traveled up and down my spine. And then, I saw him shaking hands with Chairman Mao and it was as if SuperSoaker had made a shotgun in a secret factory in my pants and decided to test it at a hideously inappropriate time. I couldn't speak to anyone in my high school ever again.

So yeah, obviously Liam Neeson